This week's episode is a difficult one to write to – let alone get a pulse from. So instead, I was inspired to write a movie script. It’s called “Dumbstruck:
A tragic tale of lovers who couldn't care less.” It’s a dramatic romance adaptation of a TV
OPEN on our hero. He is tall and stereotypically very handsome by American cultural standards. He has dirty blonde hair, perfectly filed teeth and pecks so chiseled you’d mistake him for a life-size Ken doll. He's walking hand-in-hand with our heroine on the beach. The setting takes place at a boardwalk on the shore. The sky is grey and the two are bundled up warm as they delight in roller coasters and arcade games – all without ever exchanging meaningful dialogue. Instead, they communicate by making generalized sentiments in place of offering substance and real emotion. We cut to the pair sitting within a giant sand structure erected around their awkward bodies. The man speaks:
MAN: I love this date, it’s so awesome. It’s like the perfect thing for me.
WOMAN: Awwwwww. What type of girls do you typically date?
MAN: Not that specific. I’m looking for someone that’s like, a grrrrreat person. Like, very sweet. Would be a great mom…. Cuz that’s what you have to look for when you have a son, so…. Yeah.
WOMAN: I mean, it’s important for me to know, too what you’re actually looking for.
MAN: Oh, absolutely. Yeah it goes both ways.
There is a beat of awkward silence. The woman makes a confused look, but nods her head in agreement to provide semblance of acceptance for his unanswered answer.
CUT to a romantic dinner setting inside a seaside lighthouse. The woman is sitting 123 meters away from the man with her hands folded in her lap. Despite her body language, she really really respects him.
WOMAN: Do you have any fears?
MAN: Ummm…. I guess like, uhhh…. People that can’t be serious. Like, ever. Like, constantly…… [his voice trails off]
WOMAN: Ehhh, like chatter boxes?
MAN: Yeah, like, I like to just chill and sometimes like… [he makes an indiscernible moaning sound and trails off into laughter]
WOMAN: ehehehe [she is confused and creeped out]
MAN: But you’re like so amazing.
WOMAN: Really? Thank you.
MAN: So…. Uh…
There’s a long beat of awkward silence. They both sip from their wine.
MAN: I keep thinking about our, uh… [he makes a rocket ship launch motion with his hands towards the ceiling and a pssssshhhhhhhhhheeeewww sound effect].
WOMAN: Oh the, uh…… [she has no clue what he's talking about]
MAN: Slingshot thing!
WOMAN: Slingshot! Uh… yeah. Omigosh. That [was] cool.
Scene fades out. Cut to them at the top of the lighthouse, both winded from the stair climb.
WOMAN: We made it! Oh man... [breathing heavily]
MAN: Aw, this is awesome.
WOMAN: It’s cool. Alright…well Brad. I’m going to push you off the ledge of this Lighthouse now, it’s been real.
The woman shoves the man off the ledge of the lighthouse and we watch as he falls into the black sea.
so it wasn’t an adaptation. It was an actual transcription. Word. For. Word. Buh-bye, Brad. Next time, bring notecards.
Back in Atlantic City the guys are stripped of their manhood and forced to compete in a Mr. America pageant. I can't even comment on any of it because as
my Bachelor blogging idol @TheLostAngeles put it: [commenting on this date was
like] “Shooting fish in a barrel.” Besides, something WAY bigger than ribbon dancing, banana hammocks and Mikey's man meat is going on. See, ABC has pulled a quick one on me and I know exactly what’s happening here. They've tee'd me up to hate Zak W in all his creepy, self-adoring glory but now they've slowly started peeling back his layers [of corn husk] and are making me eat my words. THANKS FOR THAT. So the guy’s not that bad. Sure, he has confidence, but he's not as offensive as I originally thought. In fact, I kind of think he has contagious personality and a fun attitude. He stays out of the drama and does his own thing. Zak W. You officially have my apology. I’m sorry. Do I think you actually have the right intentions with Des though? verdict's out still.
This whole New Jersey set up is strange and so non "Bachelor-y" to me. I'm having a difficult time trying to rationalize why the show stopped there for the first travel destination. Kind of a downer, no? Hurricane situation aside, I don’t see the
positive cache Jersey could possibly provide a TV network. Fliess already brought in 3/7ths of the Jersey Shore cast, did we really need to go to Club Karma, too? Des and
James’ date was sweet – but ONLY because of the old couple. Actually – can we get them on the remaining 7 episodes? Manny and his wife could act as like, Desiree's sweet grandparents that offer her words of wisdom and fart jokes and stuff. I'd like to watch that show. OR I'd like to watch James try and back peddle his way out of admitting he's a cheater – for a few more hours at least. Here's the thing [gentlemen]: When it strikes you to tell a girl you're seeing that you cheated on a past girlfriend, what exactly did you think it was going to get you? A cleared conscience, yes. But a blow job for being the only man in her life who's ever respected her enough to say "Hey baby, I'm a cheater"?? Personally, I don't know ANY chick that's going to jump up on the couch and scream "I LOVE KATIE HOLMES" when she's told this. In fact, you've probably just taken an otherwise really great moment and slaughtered her happiness. You probably just crossed some huge relationship threshold, like sitting on the same side of a booth and you decide to crush her dreams of falling in love. She's so excited to be out to dinner with you, that her face hurts from smiling so hard and you just want to scream at her "SANTA ISN'T REAL." In your pea-size-brain, you think this is the best moment to tell her you're a dog. Where's that blow job, now? Not even an HJ under the table? Sorry, no. You've officially just handed your balls over to me and now I get to be a bitch for as long as I want. Women were not born yesterday, and we will most likely presume for the rest of eternity that any species with a dick, has probably stuck it in something that was not where he was supposed to stick it, one or multiple times. Here's the thing: we don't want to know about your adolescent cheating history unless it resulted in one of the following:
- a child
- a sexually transmitted auto-imune or viral disease
- evidence that lives on the internet
- a way my parents could possibly find out
- involvement of the police
- a police record
- jail time.
Unless you cheated on a girl you were dating 5 days before you met me, or have a reputation as a cheater – I don't want to know about it unless I ask you. And if your cheating history did result in one of the mentioned situations, we shouldn't even be sitting in this booth together in the first place. I think James was expecting Des to be all subservient and comfort him like his actions were caused by a developmental disorder he's battled since 3rd grade or some bullshit. Instead she gave him the "meh... why are you telling me this?" He immediately panicked and scrambled for reasons to justify (to himself) that little 18-year-old James wouldn't be able to love today if he hadn't committed such a heinous crime and learned his lesson. You were a freshman in college dude, big deal. Des isn't buying it.
At the rose ceremony we got a much-needed dose of psycho from an unsuspected one: Bryden is losing it! KEEP IT COMING BRYDEN.
We’ve needed a good loony ever since Brandon left last week. I don't know what his deal is, but if he wants to go home, I'm ok with it?? I think Des is, too. In other news, Des keeps all the guys except poor Zack K. I am so off my game this season, I have no idea what she's doing or who she must be liking. The good news, I don't think she and I will every have to fight for a guy again because we clearly have different types.