Thanks for returning to my blog for season 18 of The Bachelor. I want to be begin by sharing that last night I had the pleasure of viewing the show with (now equally as famous as any contestant) producer Elan (aka @TheYearOfElan on Twitter) and the delightful Courtney Robertson (winner of season 16 with Ben Flajnik). The reason I'm sharing this is because I've hung out with Courtney a handful of times and I feel it's necessary to share that Courtney is truly one of the sweetest, kindest, most soft spoken girls I've ever met. And she is every bit as beautiful as you'd imagine. Watching the show last night with her was even more surreal for me as I shared with her that not only 2 years ago I was gawking at her on TV. Now here she is, enduring my dog's farts with me on the couch. The point I'm making, is that Courtney still gets a lot of heat for the way things went down and it kinda breaks my heart. She's a much better person than I and can rise above it, but at the end of the day, we're all human and we all have feelings. So down with the hater brigade, people!
I’ve been on the fence about JP being The Bachelor ever since ABC started his publicity tour. Before they chose and announced The Bachelor, I was #TeamJuanPablo all the way. Partly because he’s Latin and sexy, but mainly because listening to him talk makes me giggle. I loved him on Des’s season because he just seemed to not care. It’s so easy on that show to take things WAY too seriously – thinking it’s do or die that you fall in love, get married and have babies (in 5 weeks) with a total stranger because dammit, this person is your SOUL MATE and you are not here to mess the fuck around. Ok, I’m a little bit guilty of being too serious – I was naïve, what can I say? Anyway, my point is that I appreciated JP’s “tomāto, tomâto” attitude and thought he was just enough goofy and un-concerned with finding love that he could really bring some zest back into the show. I like guys that seem uninterested and could-not-give-a-fuck about “feelings,” “emotions” and acting serious about stuff – so it’s natural that I was turned on to him.
Then I saw his Instagram account. I began to wonder if ABC made the right decision. After thumbing through about 7 videos and 36 selfies, this guy did not seem like the type of bachelor ABC would normally want. He seemed to break all the “pre-being-the-bachelor” rules like posting pictures with girls in the club, old family portraits, and gems like this one of him singing while driving. Dare I say his quirky charm was becoming borderline obnoxious? I started feeling like this guy needs about as much help finding a woman as Kim Kardashian needs help applying false eyelashes. While social media is great for the connected-ness it provides viewers to celebrities, it also de-mystifies the glamour Hollywood wanted us to fall for. Allowing people this insider glimpse into Juan Pablo’s life is great because it sends little girls across the nation into a tizzy everytime he lip syncs a Carly Rey Jepsen song. But it’s also horrible because the other 15% of his fan base (the adult women) are so majorly turned off and annoyed. Not to mention completely confused, offended and heartbroken by the pics he posts in the club with the other attractive women.
Alas, the last 6 months I’ve spent sleeplessly debating hot or not over JP, The Bachelor premiered last night and all is right. With his goofiness, genuine smile and English-as-a-second-language charm, I feel as though Chris Harrison has swaddled me tight, handed me a warm glass of milk and whispered “everything is going to be alright” into my ear. He’s hot, he’s lonely, he's hot, he has a cute little daughter named Camilla Valentine (swoon), he drives a Porsche (HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!) he's hot, he has parents and he plays soccer on the beach. Excuse me while I eat my words of ever doubting JP as the most entertaining Bachelor ever.
Enter: SEAN LOWE
SFX: record scratches.
Of course they bring Sean in to coach Juan Pablo before meeting all the women because Sean and JP are total buds. Are they buds? Anyway, It was interesting from my perspective to hear Sean's thoughts on the whole experience. I appreciated that he was so candid about who was on his radar, who wasn't and most importantly, how you need to make sure you've chosen a girl who will clean skunk stench off your dog with you because shit gets real after the cameras and lights go off. There was a tiny bit of me that got a little nostalgic listening to him say all this, and to be 1,000% truthful, it still kind of stings. It REALLY shouldn't, but it does. I guess that's probably why I'm not invited to he wedding.
And if it isn’t awkward enough that Sean admits to kissing a lot (if not all) of his ladies, I’m fairly certain I just bought the shirt he was wearing at J. Crew last week. Not kidding. ^
If you’ve opened the internet in the past couple days, you may have heard that Fukushima is experiencing a nuclear meltdown. Not the Fukushima Nuclear Plant in Japan, the one that’s in the center of Lauren H.’s universe. Poor Lauren needs crisis aid ASAP. Or a valium. Either one... Both.
When you see women experiencing severe meltdowns like this on night ONE, you can only feel so bad for them. Lauren H. clearly isn’t over her ex-fiance and getting a rose from Juan Pablo isn’t going to resolve the issues she’s dealing with. Aside from completely being incapable of holding it together, Lauren H. wouldn’t have been a great match for JP anyway. I wish her the best and hope she can get over the asshole that did this to her. And for the time being, I think it would be in Lauren’s best interest to stay away from the internet on Tuesday morning.
Clare is very pretty, and I MIGHT award her for best Rose Ceremony dress merely because it’s the same color as my NAVEN ball gown. But getting out of the limo with that fake pregnancy belly was probably the worst thing she could have ever done. Not only because it screams psycho, but because she's doing womankind a disservice. I’m sorry Clare, but how the fuck did you let producers talk you into that!? How many shots did it take before you said to yourself “Meh, pretending like I’m pregnant the first time I meet a man sounds like a good way to convince him I’m not a total nut job or have zero other self-respecting qualities to leverage. Let’s do it!” I bet what happened here was the producers said to Clare “Hey Clare, you know what will really set you apart from the rest of the girls? If you stuff a pillow up your dress and tell Juan Pablo you are ready to rear the fruits of his loin. Look at Lindsay Yenter, it tooootttallly worked out for her.” Don’t get me wrong, first impressions are nothing in the case of The Bachelor and Clare could end up making it very far and be very likable. The problem I have is the stereotype this is reaffirming of women. It’s bad enough that the premise of this show strips nearly all female empowerment from the contestants by encouraging the (archaic) notion that women should compete for a man’s affection. Now we have a woman who is marketing her uterus with an “open for business” sign on it?! Good lord, we might as well be living in the 50’s. Here’s a note for all my girl readers: when trying to seduce a man, please PLEASE value your personality, passions and intellect – not solely your ability to be his vessel. **If you couldn’t tell, I just finished reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. I encourage all of you to read it.
I think Lucy will be a little bit of a head scratcher for most of us. She might not be bachelor très-chic, but I think that’s what will set her apart and as far as I’m concerned, good on her for doing her own thing. Plus I think I wore her outfit to Burning Man in 2011 so that’s redeeming.. or embarrassing. I can’t decide. **Did I nail Tiger Lily or what?!
Remember all of those things I was saying earlier in my feminist rant? That’s Renee. Renee seems like a real woman. So far I love everything about her. Especially her age and the wisdom it seems to have garnered. I love that she’s self-respecting, proud, calming and humble for where she is in life. She even said in her bio “I love it when my date:...holds my hand. Opens the door. Lets me order my own dinner!” She’s an independent woman, folks! What I like about Renee is that she didn’t give the impression that because she has a son she has advantage over the other women. Rather than letting "being a parent" define her, she's her own woman first. Gah, I think I love her.
Owes the world some answers. Like, what perfume she was wearing. Spill, Kat.
Looks like Ali Fedatowsky.
Brings her dog Molly to stay in the house. Sounds like a Leo wanna-be if you ask me. WTF.
THE MASSAGE IS SO AWKWARD. I couldn’t watch. I literally shielded my eyes.
Andi is very pretty and driven – goal driven. It’s clear that her and Juan Pablo have a connection and given her career choice, I think she's going to manhandle the opportunity. Role play anyone?
I don’t even know where to start with Sharleen. I have two speculations on how she will play out. It will start like this: Sharleen will go along with the first impression rose and try to stick it out in the house. Because even though Sharleen believes she’s out of Juan Pablo’s league with her fluency in 47 languages (except Spanish), Opera background, education and other worldly accolades, she’s flattered that the cute boy at the dance asked her to dance out of all the other popular girls. (remember my casper reference from last season?). Sharleen will be unsure about the unwarranted attention and she’ll be at battle with herself as all the other girls begin to hate her. It doesn’t matter how nice, evil, deserving or gracious you are, getting the first impression rose puts a “target on your back” as Tierra so cunningly coined last season. Then, one of two courses will take place. The first will be that Sharleen won’t be able handle the cattiness of the house and will send herself home. The second possibility will be that Sharleen wants to go home but Juan Pablo keeps giving her roses and she slowly starts warming up to him. The girls continue to hate her because they all know she didn’t like him to begin with and that’s not fair. Sharleen will fall in love with Juan Pablo and he’ll propose to her.
The reason I could see this happening (though it’s a stretch) is because when Sean came to coach JP, he admitted that Catherine wasn’t even on his radar for the first three weeks (this is true). Then he advised JP to be open to the girls he might not normally expect a connection with. Wouldn’t it be such a modern-day fairytale ending if love could actually defy the social limitations like language, education and class that normally plague true romance? [sarcasm].
Sharleen. Her dress was GORGEOUS, classy, elegant, sophisticated, sexy, understated, sleek... all of the things that a beautiful, well-done rose ceremony dress should be! Anyone know who it was by? Surely someone classy-as-fuck. Possessionista, are you on it?
My First Impression Rose:
Allison. Though I thought the soccer gimmick was a little un-original, I think this girl is so unbelievably beautiful. She has a great smile and seems so natural and classy. Girl crush all the way.
I've gotta hand it to the producers, the editors, the cast – this season looks pretty much amazing. So much drama, so much fighting and tears! I think we can all agree that the most anticipated moment will be the meltdown it appears someone is having in the bathroom. I can't believe someone actually says they want Juan Pablo to die. OUCH. Can't wait! Lastly, the shirtless Sean and Juan Pablo bit and the end of the credit role was Elan's ingenious influence and I think he deserves some props here. Very funny stuff Elan. #ShirtlessBachelors4Lyfe.